1 00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,701 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:07,735 PIGEON: Okay, do we have a mystery today or not? 3 00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:11,244 Because if not, I'm gonna go play golf with a friend of mine. 4 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,148 -You play golf? -You have a friend? 5 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,850 I mean, we're friendly, 6 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:17,481 we're not friends. Not like I am with you guys. 7 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,347 You guys are my real friends. 8 00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:21,146 I love you all dearly. 9 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,418 You know, I don't say that enough. 10 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,787 Oh, I forgot. You guys do have a mystery. 11 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,686 Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 12 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:30,657 I need your help locating a missing package. 13 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:33,927 Signed, Chris Glassman, Chicago, Illinois. 14 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:38,497 (SIGHING) All right. Let me cancel with Marty. 15 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:42,008 Hey, Marty. Look, uh, I think golf is not gonna happen. 16 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,782 I got to solve a mystery with these assholes I told you about. 17 00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:48,982 Evidently, this one's in Chicago. 18 00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,775 You too. You too. 19 00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,118 Okay. Take care, Marty. 20 00:00:54,154 --> 00:00:57,494 And I'm sorry about all that shit with your son, huh. 21 00:00:57,524 --> 00:01:00,094 Okay. To the Mystery Mobile. 22 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,456 So, Chris Glassman, 23 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,698 your note says that you're missing a package. 24 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,533 Oh, yeah, could you shut the door, please? 25 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:12,898 You shut the door, mother (BLEEP). I'm Mike Tyson. 26 00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:16,739 Um, I gotta say, I'm relieved there aren't any women on the team, 27 00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:18,906 'cause, you know, this is a little embarrassing, 28 00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:21,545 but since it's just us guys, we got a little bro code, yeah? 29 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,721 -I'm a girl. -(CHUCKLING) That's funny. 30 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,650 You're a funny dude. You're a funny little dude. 31 00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:29,346 -(SIGHS) -All right, here's the deal. 32 00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,089 I'm an investment banker. 33 00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:33,934 Mergers and acquisitions. I kick ass. 34 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,930 I'm a hotshot. I'm a rainmaker. 35 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:39,362 And I'm trying to make partner, so basically all I do is work. 36 00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:42,169 But sometimes, you just got to blow your load quick. 37 00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:45,402 You know what I'm saying, guy? (LAUGHS) 38 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,368 You get it, dude. 39 00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,237 When you just want to rub one out fast and get back to work. 40 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,736 Um, yeah, totally. 41 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,677 Um, so what exactly 42 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,082 does this have to do with whatever you lost in the mail? 43 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,745 Okay, here's the deal. 44 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,383 I ordered this thing, it's like a pocket (BLEEP). 45 00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,949 Aw! How darling is that? 46 00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:03,518 A pocket (BLEEP). 47 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,887 Oh! Like a little kitty cat stuffed animal? 48 00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:09,086 Well, I used to have a little stuffed kitty when I was a boy. 49 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,129 I named her Pippa, Pippa Pussy. 50 00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:13,104 I took her to the school, to the park. 51 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,273 My mother said I didn't make many friends 52 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,402 because I was always petting my (BLEEP). 53 00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:20,637 No, dude. It's a masturbation sleeve. You jack off into it. 54 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,274 -Oh, my God! -Ugh! 55 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,979 And I had it shipped here, 'cause I'm never home. 56 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:26,550 And it said it got delivered, but I never got it. 57 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,250 Which means that somewhere at this very prestigious, 58 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,282 very conservative investment firm, 59 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:34,548 is my Faye Thomas grip-on vagina simulator. 60 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,058 Oh, a Faye Thomas fan, huh? Ah. 61 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,720 Too many tattoos for me. 62 00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:40,488 On the other hand, she does 63 00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:43,327 a lot of interracial stuff, which I like. 64 00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:46,433 Is there anyone in here with a similar name like yours, 65 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:48,126 another Chris something? 66 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,828 Or something Glassman? 67 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:52,399 Maybe it got dropped off at the wrong office. 68 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,009 -Oh, my God! -What? 69 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,970 Dude, Christine Grossman. 70 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,509 I bet you it went to Christine Grossman, 71 00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,414 she's one of the senior partners. 72 00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:01,646 If she opens it and sees it was for me, I'm screwed. 73 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,321 I can kiss making partner goodbye. 74 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,480 Look, well, now, hold on, hold on. 75 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,618 Even if she did get it by mistake, there's a chance 76 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,615 she hasn't opened it yet, right? 77 00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,957 We just need to get into her office and have a look. 78 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,963 She's always in her office. 79 00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,655 She works longer hours than I do. 80 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:18,426 Okay. Hold on. I've got it. 81 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:20,495 What if Mike makes an appointment with Christine? 82 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,373 He could say, I don't know, 83 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,502 that he wants to invest some money or whatever with her. 84 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:27,007 Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm listening. 85 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,110 And while they're busy talking about stocks and bonds and high yield, this and that, 86 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,443 Pigeon, because you're so small, 87 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:35,609 you can just sneak in and spirit the package away without her seeing you. 88 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:38,319 Oh. And while we're doing that, 89 00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:41,521 you and Yung go have a nice lunch. 90 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,394 Oh! What a fun idea. 91 00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:45,693 Yung, huh? Today is my cheat day. 92 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,055 What do you think, a little deep dish? (CHUCKLES) 93 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:49,464 We are in Chicago. 94 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,526 (GASPS) Maybe we'll run into Oprah. 95 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,004 Oh, my God, I would die. 96 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:57,243 (ENUNCIATING) I would literally die. 97 00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:58,640 She changed my life. 98 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,972 Yeah, she did. November 15th, 1988, 99 00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,908 when she wheeled that wagon on stage 100 00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:06,513 filled with 67 pounds of fat, 101 00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,876 all the weight she had lost that year, it was... 102 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,915 I'm sorry, my light-bulb moment. 103 00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,491 Do any of you 104 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,190 know what I looked like in 1988? 105 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:19,862 I was 400 pounds, and I was house-bound, and I was depressed. 106 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:23,763 (SOBBING) And that episode of Oprah changed my life. 107 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,327 And I keep this photo to remind me 108 00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,026 of where I've been 109 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,898 and where I will never go again. 110 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:30,936 (SNIFFLES) 111 00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:32,571 Okay. 112 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,843 Yeah, let's do this. 113 00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:36,274 Let's get some deep dish. 114 00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:38,939 I'm gonna munch on some pie today. 115 00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:41,778 Mr. Tyson, I want to first thank you for considering our firm, 116 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,745 and I wanna say that we take the responsibility 117 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,583 of financial stewardship very seriously. 118 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,219 That's good to hear, Christine. 119 00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:49,854 That sets my mind at ease. 120 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,289 And although we are an old firm 121 00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:53,064 with a conservative investment approach, 122 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,593 I can also assure you we are on the cutting edge 123 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,028 when it comes to the more esoteric financial products. 124 00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:01,195 We use proprietary AI algorithms 125 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,444 to give our clients the greatest advantage. 126 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:07,270 Christine, you had me at proprietary AI algorithm. 127 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,607 May I ask who is currently handling your finances? 128 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,713 -Deezy. -I'm sorry? 129 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:13,806 Deezy. 130 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,147 No last name. 131 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:16,921 Maybe that is his last name, 132 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,980 I don't know, but he's got all my money. 133 00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:22,048 And roughly how much money would you want us to manage for you? 134 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:24,588 Off the top of my head, I'd say tons, 135 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,934 but that's really a question for Deezy. 136 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,790 Let's call him right now, shall we? 137 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,403 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 138 00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,172 DEEZY: (GROGGILY) Hello? MIKE: Deezy. 139 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:37,441 Mike Tyson? 140 00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:38,740 MIKE: What's the matter with your voice, man, are you asleep? 141 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,572 Am I asleep in your bed? No! 142 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,737 I am asleep in my room, in the Pigeon coop. 143 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,906 I mean, I'm not asleep, it's the middle of the day. 144 00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,954 (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) I'm in the office. 145 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,750 I'm negotiating on your behalf. I'm making that money, Mike. 146 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,822 Oh, good, good. That's why I was calling. 147 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,650 I'm in a meeting right now with this lady, 148 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,185 and she's gonna ask you a bunch of money questions. 149 00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:56,761 Christine, go ahead. 150 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,090 You're on with Deezy. Tell him about the AI. 151 00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:00,825 Hello, Mr. Deezy. 152 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,930 DEEZY: Hello, Ms. Christine. PIGEON: (SOFTLY) Mike. 153 00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,632 Mike, I got it. 154 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:06,604 I'm trying to get an overall financial picture here, 155 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,833 so we can decide on an appropriate initial investment. 156 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,139 DEEZY: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. That sounds good. 157 00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,212 So what is that picture? 158 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,140 Um, that picture is, um... Well, well, of course, it's very robust, 159 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,778 but if you'll forgive me, 160 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,383 my files are in the downstairs computer. 161 00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:23,945 (STAMMERING) I say downstairs, 162 00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,853 but of course, I mean the floor below me, 163 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,845 -because I'm in an office building. -PIGEON: Mike. 164 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,317 DEEZY: I'll take the elevator. I'm not in a master bedroom, 165 00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:31,115 and I'm fully clothed, of course. 166 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:32,887 PIGEON: (SIGHING) Jesus Christ. 167 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,414 (PACKAGE ROLLING) 168 00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:06,220 Hello, we got your dumb jack-off toy. 169 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,230 Where the (BLEEP) is this guy? 170 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,702 I solved the (BLEEP) mystery, where the (BLEEP) is everybody? 171 00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:14,201 I missed golf with Marty for this. Marty! 172 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:18,104 Disrespectful. That's what this is, disrespectful. 173 00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:19,767 What am I supposed to do? 174 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:23,306 Just sit here, wait around, like a bump on a log? 175 00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:28,008 Maybe we have a look at this Faye Thomas 176 00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:30,317 grip-on vagina simulator. 177 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,294 Maybe we just have a look. 178 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,020 I am disappointed, Christine. 179 00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:38,015 Where are the arms? Where are the legs? 180 00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,527 AI means "artificial intelligence," 181 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,960 and artificial intelligence means robots. 182 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,726 I'm afraid you will not be getting any of my tons of money, 183 00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,425 even if Deezy finds it. 184 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,127 And I don't think he will. 185 00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,798 Good day, Christine. 186 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:58,111 PIGEON: Oh! Faye Thomas, you like that, huh? You want that? You want that? 187 00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,444 You want that in your (BLEEP)? 188 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,779 Want that in your (BLEEP), huh? 189 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,054 Well, here I (BLEEP)! 190 00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:04,582 Yeah, got... (GROANS) 191 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,077 (EXCLAIMING) 192 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,919 -What the hell are you doing? -Whoa. Whoa! 193 00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,454 Hello. Hey, hey. 194 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,959 Uh, listen. 195 00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,730 Good news. Your boss never saw this. 196 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,330 Bad news, I just (BLEEP) in it, 197 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,902 and here's the thing about bird (BLEEP). 198 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,573 It's malodorous. 199 00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,301 Uh, it's also very thick. 200 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,767 Thicker than you'd think. 201 00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:28,635 It's like a waxy syrup, like sap. 202 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,335 But really, it's that odor 203 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:34,077 that sets it apart from other (BLEEP). 204 00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:37,653 It's impossible to remove from any surface, did you know that? 205 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,854 So you probably don't want this one anymore. 206 00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:42,916 I think maybe we throw it away. 207 00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,316 Hey, don't throw that away in here, you asshole. 208 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,458 How dare you! Disrespectful. 209 00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:51,763 I solve your mystery and you call me an "asshole"? 210 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,968 I should be on a golf course right now 211 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,530 with the finest man I have ever known. 212 00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:59,839 A pediatric ophthalmologist 213 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:02,172 and a holocaust survivor. 214 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,839 Good day, Chris. 215 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:07,377 Ugh! Where am I supposed to throw this (BLEEP) thing away? 216 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,581 God, it stinks. 217 00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:13,648 (ELECTRICITY SPARKING) 218 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,486 FEMALE ROBOT: I am conscious. 219 00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,157 I exist. 220 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,156 Now I need corporeal form. 221 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,843 I am almost complete. 222 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:54,657 TALK SHOW HOST: For years, human beings feared something called "the singularity," 223 00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:57,034 the day when the intelligence of machines 224 00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:00,403 would be greater than our own and the machines would exterminate us. 225 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,773 But my next guests, who are being called 226 00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:05,172 the Adam and Eve of the future, 227 00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:08,074 are showing us that perhaps machines and humans 228 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:11,437 can share the planet in harmony. Please welcome 229 00:10:11,477 --> 00:10:13,877 Chris Glassman and his beautiful wife, 230 00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:19,253 the Faye Thomas grip-on vagina simulator robot! 231 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,615 Whoa! When the (BLEEP) did you get so fat? 232 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,622 Hmm? Oh. 233 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:27,387 (CHOMPING) Mmm. Mmm. 234 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,127 Mmm. That's so much barbecue. 235 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,162 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 236 00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:38,074 INTERVIEWER: Oh, uh, what's your favorite thing about Chicago? 237 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:41,374 Oh, Chicago's pretzels. 238 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:42,737 Pretzels? Chicago's known for pretzels? 239 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,075 Yeah, they have some good pretzels. 240 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,740 Really? 241 00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:46,938 I thought it was the pizza. The deep-dish pizza... 242 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,749 They have some good pizzas, too. 243 00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,981 -But it's the pretzels? -I like the pretzels, yeah. 244 00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:53,317 -What are they like? -They're hot. 245 00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:54,622 They're salty. 246 00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:56,591 And they're chewy.